Choice

There are some feelings you just can't write about. A look at an old pictures and remembrance of other pictures clicked and the memories associated with it. The surprise that your heart feels by thinking about those memories. As if the string of words play with the music of the places visited to sing the song of the memory. The music was beautiful and so were the words. The song didn't turn out to be hit one. It was played over for few years until it was shelved in the records. The records remain for as long as you want to keep them safe. You don't have to put in extra effort to keep them safe. Just put them in a reachable shelf and play them again and again. Sometimes you are tired of the song as it makes you sad. The raga of emotions do that to you. but you are so habitual of the song that you still play it. Unless there is some new record which touches the strings of your brain and heart and then it's up to you which one do you like better. You may still like both the tracks but choose.. One has to make a choice!

Sleepless nights

Those sleepless nights

When you know there is nothing

Which can be solved

When there is everything 

On your mind

Every minuscule 

Unimportant thing

Those sleepless nights

When you are not sleepy

Because you don't see 

The need for sleep

Or your brain to occupied 

Even to sleep

Those sleepless nights

When you wonder

What is wrong with own self

Or what's not wrong

With you!

Some questions

What do you expect me to do

Do you expect me

To take a route 

Whether or not it suits

How do you expect me to be the same

When everything around me is so lame

I don't understand a thing I feel

I don't know with what I deal

Why do you need to prove 

It's not a mountain too difficult to move

It's as easy as flow of river

It's not something that you have to deliver 

What do you need from me

There is nothing that I can guarantee 

My souls wants to fly away too far

It's not meant to survive a war!

जब तू नहीं था......

जब तू नहीं था 

तो भी तो ज़िंदगी 

चलती थी

फिर पता नहीं क्यूँ 

तेरे जाने से 

ज़िंदगी रुक सी गयी 

जब तू नहीं था 

तब भी तो हँसते 

थे फ़ूल

अब ना जाने क्यूँ 

तेरे जाने से 

बाग़ीचा सूना सूना सा है 

जब तू नहीं था

तब भी तो चल रहे थे हम

अब ना जाने क्यूँ

तेरे जाने से 

ये क़दम ठहरे से हैं

जब तू नहीं था 

तब भी तो लिख रहे थे हम

अब तेरे जाने के बाद

इन पंक्तियो में 

दर्द सा क्यूँ हैं?

For me?

Can I ask you something?

Will you ever take an extra mile for me?

If it comes to that?

Will you hesitate to bear something vile for me?

Me

Yes, it is a personal diary

Then why can't it be true

When I pour my emotions before your eyes

Isn't it easier for you to feel it too?

Yes, this writing is ME

This is what I actually feel

I express it using the keyboard

If there is something I am not able to deal

Remit

There was a time

I thought I saw it all

I have bloodied myself

When I hit it against the wall

There was a time

I thought I can't take it anymore

There is an endless pit

Behind this last door

But life challenges you every time 

When you think this is your limit 

There is still boundless cash

That one needs to remit!

Broken!

Its easier to forget

It's easier to close your eyes

It's easier to be the person

It's easy to be too nice

It's easier to postpone the thinking

It's easier to stare the wall

It's easier to let it happen

It's easier to continue to fall

It's tough to accept the truth

It's difficult to accept it will happen

It's impossible to go through it

It's difficult to survive broken!

Absentmindedly

Absentmindedly 

I stare at the end of my braids

While I look at the split ends

And that feeling too fades

Absentmindedly 

I maximise the volume of the music

While I feel the beats on my ear drums

I remain in senses and still loose it

Absentmindedly 

I feel the warmth of the sun

While I decide what is wrong

My skin, I let it burn!

Love..

Love is so strong

To be seen by real eyes

While I feel it thoroughly 

With time it will only rise

Love is a feeling

That you feel inside of you

It can't be anything but love

Only if it's true

Love is the destination 

Of otherwise meaningless world

It is a journey

That can't be explained in words!

Born to please?

While I lie today

These words dance before me

Who am I to myself and the loved ones ?

Who has chained me and who's setting me free?

Before taking a nap

These thoughts made a queue

Am I sitting here watching this

Just because I like the view?

Before a goodnight's sleep

My memories go back to centuries 

In my present incarnation 

Who am I born to please?

Endless wait

Day by day

Hour by hour

That wait when the day starts

Till it's late and dark 

Endlessly and hopefully 

I waited for that call

Even if it's not too long

Even if it's short and.. small

While I needed the support 

the call never came

When will we realize the importance of life?

And stop playing those games!

Independent?

While I thought

I am independent

I don't need anyone's help

When my emotions I need to vent

All my life I have been like this

It made me stronger, made me tough

I thought I am getting better

Didn't know, in the process my emotions I'm gonna cuff

While all this time I thought

I am improving my mental flow

I was getting run over

By my own stupid ego!

Love purgatory

Possibly I am too,

In a place called love purgatory

Where I am stuck

I have moved away from what my earth has been

And I have not yet reached my heaven

Almost impossible to move on

Even when you tell yourself

It's how one should move on

It's not that you haven't done it before

and every time it was so easy to keep the score

If I can move away from it

I will move away from my own self

But I will one day move to my heaven

Then I will be a peace, I reckon!

Half sunk boat

They say

If something is too good

To be true

It isn't real

Let's believe it

To be untrue

Let's say

It wasn't the real you 

Can I believe 

Everything you did was fake?

You did everything 

Not for love's sake?

The words you said

The love you showed

Was nothing but 

A half sunk boat?

A song

While I thought 

I can forget you

Like I forgot 

Everyone else

It is not difficult for me

I am stronger than anyone can be

And you proved me wrong

You ask for proof?

Hah! I am still writing you a song!!

Rainbow

I wanted to change
I wanted to become something
When I lost everything
There are changes I want to bring

I want to be free
From all the shackles
I have made it worse
Fighting life like a battle

I want to let it go
I want to go with the flow
I know I am living a mono-colored life
When it can offer a rainbow!

Turkish songs

Once I asked him

I needed something

He said tell me right away

Let me go and bring

I said I want to listen

To Turkish music 

There are millions available 

And I don't know which ones to pick

He said it's okay

We will find something out

Listen to something else for now

There is another song I wanna tell you about

The next day he came to me

With a folder named Turkish music for J

Said I listened to all songs available all night and chose for you

Wanting to play the songs he asked - "If I may?"

I looked at him with love in my eyes

I couldn't believe just my wish meant this to him 

I listened to all songs as his dedication to me

Don't know if I am loosing to him or he is letting me win!

Paradise

There is a world

We called paradise

What we cannot understand here

We believe we will there become wise

Where we believe 

All our worries will go away

Where there will be brightness

Never a night but always a day

Where we think

We will have all what we want

Or we will like what we have

Just our blessings we'd count 

There is a place

We call heaven 

Where all our goods and bads

Will be made even!

Wiggling thoughts

What i need

What I don't 

What I am running after

What I actually want 

Who I want to believe 

Who I want to trust 

What I cannot have

And what I must 

What is easy to me

And what seems impossible 

My thoughts are stable at one point

But most of the times they wiggle!

My soul mate

There are days

Which won't return 

While I am happy from outside

Inside my heart, there are thousand burns

While you touched

Every chord of my heart

The shards that hurt it

They just fell apart 

While I know it was best

I still do not wait

Even when I die i will know 

You are my soul mate

Role playing

There are things 

That entice me

And make me go crazy

While I pretend to be someone else

Because I find that character powerful 

Slowly I realized who I am

What I stand for

And while in my role playing

I was given a character

I soon realized its not me

It is I who is blind

It is I who cannot see

For the acts, my character should be happy 

I, in my heart, feel sad and just angry!

Sorry?

When we say sorry
What do we mean?
Do we want to finish the matter?
Or realise the same act we shouldn't repeat

When we say sorry
Are we tired of the argument?
Are we aware of our doing?
Are we aware at times, we too have to bend?

When we say sorry
Is it out of respect for the other person?
Or we just it to procrastinate the storm
Without realising things may worsen!!

Need

I feel lost in this world
In the race to win
I still am a part of it
I still put things in my bin

There is concrete
There is wood
This is major part of my world
Where I feel bad at times and at times good

I look around and I see nothing
People sitting everywhere
Looking at their screens
That is what we came for?
That is what we need?

Seeking approvals

We are all seeking approvals 

One way or other

From someone special 

Or the world 

The approval of beauty

Of intelligence 

Of wisdom

Or smartness

We need to feel that false satisfaction 

From someone else's words

For we are not complete from inside

For we have some kind of emptiness

We go to long depths

To prove those criteria

More than what we are

We pretend

We are all seeking approvals 

One way or other!!

Approval

Maybe I wanted an approval

From someone like you 

While I think highly of you

I wanted someone to confirm

That I can be thought of highly too

Maybe that's why I came to you

Felt glad with the acceptance and love

For I had no belief in myself

In the fact that I am capable of giving and having love

And you come and changed many things

And suddenly I realised the approval is missing

Since when I don't know, 

For I had believed in the approval mistakenly

Now I don't what I mean to you

And what you mean to me

Was I right in seeking false approvals?

Were you right in falling for me?

words

Words

Wasted

In conversations that won't lead anywhere

Words

Spent luxuriously

With thinking much

Words

are costly

Coz they involve time as well

Words

Cannot be used in this way

Save them, keep them

मंज़िल

मैं तो खुश था अपनी ज़िंदगी में
कुछ ना चाहा था तुमसे
जी रहे थे जैसे जीना चाहिए
कर रहे थे वो सभी कुछ जो जीने के लिए चाहिए
तुम जब आए
तुम्हारी ज़रूरत ना थी
चल सी रही थी ज़िंदगी
कोई कमी ना थी
फिर सिलसिला शुरू हुआ
उन बातो का
कभी थमती और कभी रुकती सी
मैने क्या चाहा तुमसे
सही है या ग़लत
ये जानू ना
फिर तुमने ही थामा मेरा हाथ
और कहा चलो हूँ मैं तुम्हारे साथ
चलूँगा और रहूँगा हमेशा
और मैं भी चल पड़ी
ना सोचा ना समझा ना पूछा कुछ भी
फिर तुमने ही कहा
तुम कहो अपने दिल की बात मुझसे
खोलो अपने जज़्बात मेरे सामने
और मैने भी कुछ ना सोचा
और अब मैं ना खुद को जानू
ना तुमको
ना अपने जज़्बातो को
ना तुम्हारे
ज़िंदगी एक संघर्ष की तरह बन गयी
जिसका ना कोई अंत है ना कोई मंज़िल|

darling!

Why do you say?

We still have hope

Why do you say?

Don't leave, keep holding this rope!

Why do you say?

When you don't mean it

Once something happens

You get charged the next minute

Why do you say?

We will work on it

You promise thing will be better

You say "I am here for you, darling!"

Average human

And he asked her "why would she say so?" and she had no answer. That was the same thing she was explaining him for quite sometime. The last night's conversation where she had poured her heart out didn't change anything between them. How she had wanted to make things better... She waited, took a deep breath and again calmed herself. She tried to tell herself, this shall pass too. She wanted to believe in things and people, that it will work out. That things will change for better. Alas! how they have remained same... The things that she would say to make things better, she probably said in a wrong way. She lost her temper after 3 days. How she had believed that she has trained her mind not to get affected by these things because these things are silly and temporary and then she again comes at the conclusion "I am just an average human being"!

Indifferent

He gave her the reassurances

Time and again

She waited and listened

Wanting to believe him

She wanted to feel loved

and be happy

She couldn't get through him

He couldn't get through her

She would focus on other things

He would focus on other

and then the time came

when they became

indifferent towards each other!

Mean

I wish to be smarter

And not in the stupid regular stuff

Where I just think about pity things

Where I can't handle ruff

I am just at the lowest stage of evolution 

I know you know it too

When you need to evolve in the process

I am not letting you pull through

I don't even know if I should try to change

Or be what I have never been

Sometimes I just want to change everything about me

Be rude, arrogant and mean!

Eccentricity

I am sorry to disappoint 

I am sorry for not being what you thought

I am sorry for not being up there

I am sorry for not being well wrought

I know you thought of me highly

And now you know I am the same

I know you still love me

Even though all you efforts go to vain

I wish I could be someone better

But I know I am failing miserably 

You are bearing all the things I put you through

And all my eccentricities!

Reactions

How could I say

What I needed

When all the emotions seemed useless

When everything was weeded

How could I express

What it is to be me

When things were named unreal 

With tainted glass they were seen 

How did I feel

With what all happened 

I was just another regular person 

What I say are some regular reactions

Woman

I am a woman

I am not a man

I have a brain of myself

I have my own hands

I am a woman

I need few things from you

They may sound too stupid

They may be too much than few

I am a woman

You want me to be like you

I can only become cold if you wish

But that me, will not be true

Hypocrites crown

Why do I need to love

Why do I need to understand

Why can't I fly anymore

Why do I need the land

Why do I wish to sit

And still need to fly

They say I think too much

Mulling over  what, how and why?

And then comes a time

When I just relax and lie down

I still get the blame

I still get hypocrite's crown!

Wish

Her hair are flowing

In the air

And it smells of roses

Everywhere 

And I wait her to come.

Walking towards me;

In the white dress,

she is wearing 

She asks me the same question 

How do I look?

My answer too remains the same

You are the most beautiful girl on the earth

She turns her head and gives me a smile from the side of her lips

I look at her... That's all I wish!

Realm

When I need to know

What it means to be you

What it means to be false in love

And what it means to be true

When I need to know

What it means to be me

What is there to hide

What is there to see

When I need to know

What it means to be us

What it means to build a castle in love

What it means to be dust

I found you standing there

Shining bright light on those themes

I looked at you in awe

As if you belong to some other realm!

Tests of life

While I thought 

It's meant to be forever 

The more I got to know you

The more staying with you, seemed clever

While I thought 

The love is here to stay

For best things in life

It's going to pave way

While I thought 

We will love till we die together 

It was the love that couldn't survive 

The tests of life and it's harsh weather! 

Anger!

The words are said

and sometimes left unsaid

You worry too much

and hold your tongue

Then ego creeps in

and the poison is spilled over

You talk about everything

Without looking for answers

And love doesn't know what to do

Rationality takes over

You know what is be done

With those words and anger!

Just fudge

When the words cannot describe 

What I need to say

When whatever I say to you

Passes through the water like a ray

When I tell you I need you

You think I am too needy

When I need your love for me

That's the thing for which I am greedy

When I say in sorry for my behaviour

You think I'm holding a grudge

I don't know if one should love for real

Or to be happy and just fudge!

Clarity

I know what I have been to you

Was not what you meant to me

But that doesn't have to be true

Coz that isn't necessary

I feel jealous of anyone

Who still has you

Or of that someone

Who will one day have you

Why can't it be me

Why can't it be us

I know the world is moving fast

At its own pace

And you don't need me to win

This ugly or beatiful race

I know the feelings keep on changing

And so is their intensity

The love may die once and for all

Giving me or taking away all the clarity

Can't be replaced

The things that I find out about you

And things that I don't 

Things that you might know about me

And things that you still.... Don't 

You think you know me well

You think you have seen my love

You think things always come to an end

And I know too, everyone moves on

But there are some broken pieces

Which can't be put together

There are some pains

Which can't be treated

There are some words 

That can't be spoken 

With the same intensity

and there are some people

Who can't be replaced

Things

There are things that remind me of you

Things that I like, things that I don't

There are memories I have with you

Some easy to forget, some just won't

There are parallel worlds that are running

Worlds in which we are together

Worlds where we are flourishing

Where things are good, soil to weather

The heart of yours that I always miss

Your innocent smile that I would love to see

Even today knowing you are not with me anymore

Thinking about it only makes me glee