Souls

My blood flows

In my veins

Soon there will be time

You will find it in drains

Not too proud of this

I know you are surprised 

As if all those stupidities 

Are just revised 

I know the red is hard to capture

And too easy to let go

But I would fly to the heaven

And let our souls know!

Games...

In the darkness

Where it lurks

Follows you

Deep in your path

In every word you say

In every step you take

And you turn and twist 

Change your path

Only to be followed again

Because you can't run

You cannot go away

From your own self

Your own mind

Playing games 

Which knows where to hit

Which is gonna hurt so hard

Whatever you do

Before it you are

Just a retard

The strength that you need

To win

Lies within

Stay strong stay still

The tide will go away

If you stand like a hill...

Greater good?

Empty words

Running over pages

When I can't through you

What does it even mean?

You say you visit

Just to see my heart

Or you are waiting to see

For me to tear apart

You said you'd swim with me

In the river of dead

Now you can't wait to see me

Covered in red

You know it would happen

Sooner than later

Or this is a all part of a plan

For a good that's greater?

Probably...

Probably needed someone

To accept I exist 

That it is too good

For them to resist

Probably needed someone 

To accept the loneliness

And know that my world

Can too be a mess 

Probably needed someone

To feel the need

To go to a path 

Where no road would lead

Probably needed more assurances

Needed more words

Needed those empty emotions

Probably I am...

A classic case of being lost

Hoped the hope...

Hoped that you'd call

Even when no words are there

You'd express the emotions

Expressing the care 

Hoped that you'd share

And not cut off from me

Things that are shared heart to heart

You'd let me see

Hoped that you'd reciprocate 

When I tried to reach out to you

You'd hear the distress call

And reach out for my hand

Pain

Sitting there at the window

When I saw millions of people moving around

I know I am here on my own

No one will miss me if I am gone

Life is like sitting at a platform

Hundreds of people around you

Shouting, running, laughing and hugging

And someone sits there; a victim of mugging

While I feel at loss of words

I have nothing to contribute

The conversations seem so foolish

Feeling some discomfort and anguish

Sometimes one is lonely and alone

Out of the window, emotions are thrown

Minutes to hours, time has grown

And in the pleasure of pain you can only moan!

Hundreds of times...

Hundreds of times

I look around

Looking for you

In this soulless night

You are the mighty sound

Hundreds of times

My eyes look for you

While there are thousands of questions 

There is nothing I can do

Hundreds of times

I wish for your fragrance 

When I wish for the fresh air

It only gets dense!

My love for you!

It's when I look the ugliest you call me pretty

You call all my words tantrums

You love me like I never have felt

The way you make me feel, my heart just melts

You words are kind

And eyes are filled with love

Whatever I say to you

I only find love in return

You make me feel

Like I am your princess

I forget who I am with you

Just focus on what I can be to have best of view

I feel like writing for you all night

You have filled me with love so right 

I want to be with you and

The way you hold me your arms so tight

A day will come when I will show my love to you

Maybe then you will understand

Love is a reality which is true

You say to me 

You needed my love

While I sit like a beggar 

The meanings are lost without you

In each and every letter!

The funny thing about being a woman

I am a woman and there are so many funny things about being one. Whether we are treated right at home or not we empathise with the women who are not treated rightly. We all are angry from inside. I have not met a woman yet who is not angry about the condition of women around the world. Maybe there are women who don't care. I am sure there are. But, we want all things that are possible/ which are available to men in this world. The funny thing is that sometimes we want things not because we need them but because we know that they are forbidden to us just because of our gender. Another funny thing, that you may not know is we all believe that we deserve things, to be treated fairly but we feel obliged and happy when we are actually treated right. Heard a woman say "My husband and in laws LET ME wear western clothes they are so nice" "He lets me work, he is nice" "he helps me in kitchen (as if it was only her responsibility)? These things are embibed so badly inside of us that we forget that we feel grateful even when we are given basic rights, not something extraordinary. 

The last funny thing that I am going to mention about being a woman is we want to be the "man" in the society while we still want to enjoy the benefits of being a woman!

P.S. This is strictly for women like me, who have access to and have tasted/enjoyed freedom.

The vicious circle of being oppressed and a woman!

The situation of women in India, especially uneducated and non-working ones is not unknown to most of us. It is also known that various policies have been made/ implemented for the betterment of women. Quotas in Government jobs, panchayats, subsidy for girl child education, subsidy to parents having girl child are some of them. Not all methods have worked directly for women empowerment but they have given them freedom in some ways and have saved them for life in others.
We implement policies thinking they are going to change the society. Hundreds of articles/ papers are written on the possible success of that policy, once implemented. Although after implementation we face newer/ fresh challenges. Take for example, the quota of women in panchayat. We expected it to be a big hit, the only problem envisaged before was, women might be less forthcoming. The women were indeed less forthcoming. It took them sometime to come around. But why did they come around? Was it because they wanted to be the member of panchayat/ become sarpanch or their husbands wanted the power they never had/ can have? Then these policies which should have sufficient need more support to cut the cord of that vicious circle. The initiatives like The Hunger project was needed to help this policies actually get implemented in the right way.
Take another example, the Beti Padhao Beti Bachao scheme launched by Haryana government. Haryana is one of the states, which has highly skewed sex ratio. The scheme allows the families of girl child to redeem Rs. 25,000 bond when the girl turns 18, for education. Bad news, 53% of the people are using it for their marriages. The initiative on its own intended to give the girls' education (i.e. higher education). The money, on the other hand is given to the greedy grooms who would look at these girls as a source of decent sum of money or better dowry! Again the policy remains at the mercy of the not the beneficiary but everyone else!
Take another (indirect) example, the free contraceptive distribution. This initiative didn't directly helped in women empowerment. The intent is to check the population growth and maternal and child mortality due to uncontrolled pregnancies resulting in deaths.The indirect effect, (expected) was that, women will have a say in choosing how many children they want. They will not be at the mercy of fate. Everyone realized how strong the opposition is from their husbands in using condoms and the approach wasn't as successful. Then the idea of pills was floated and it was comparatively more successful as this was at the discretion of women. In a way it improved their condition only where they were not pushed and forced by the in-laws not to use such practices. Now world over, there are pressures on India to include other contraception methods apart from (permanent) sterilization, condoms, pills and IUDs. There are further pressures to include injectibles. It has been quite a success with a lot of women who want to choose a method which they can keep hidden from their families. But owing to its side effects government isn't sure about including them in the list. What Indian Government will do is secondary, the more pressing issue is that women need choices that they can hide from their own families to live a life of their choice, whatever be the side effects!
These are not all. There are issues related to sexual violence, female foeticide, rapes to name a few. All these issues and policies go back to the way women think and how freely they can operate in their environment. Most of the time, they are at the mercy of the people they live with, and call them their family. The acceptance and use of policies in the right way depend on the fact that if they are allowed to make use of policies made for them and if they have any say in choosing the options available to them. Then probably more policies, more initiatives are needed because one policy/ one initiative opens the Pandora box. It opens new set of problems and challenges. All this seems like a vicious circle of being oppressed and being a woman!

Reserve

I wish I could say 

Those things to you

Which would wake the pain

Which are also true

I wish I could do

Something for you

Which would make you happy

And not be blue

I wish I could feel 

What you have felt

How bravely you stood there

Alone, everything you dealt

I wish I could give

What you truly deserve 

I wish to keep it safe

In my hearts' reserve!

Here with me!

When you are here with me

And you are ready to be

Things are not what they are

Long past are the ages that were dark

When you are here with me

When you are ready to see

There is a hope around me

There is a feeling called glee

When you are here with me

When you are the root of this tree

When the relationship is weak

All the right answers you seek

When you are here with me

When you make more than we

When the language doesn't suffice

When my whole world you entice!

You will find me

In between those old pages of the book

In the creaking doors of that old house

In the moving curtains hanging on the rods

In the light passing through them

You will find me

In the cover of the cracked jar

In the smell of the cooked fish

In stitches of the torn cushion covers

In the unmatched color of that thread

You will find me

In the roads going to the market

In the roads, the pits and puddles of mud

In the season of winters and rain

and on the souls of your chappal

You will find me

तनहाइया

उसके दीदार में जैसे सदियाँ बीत गयी 

वक़्त ठहरा रहा

और हम भी रुकते से चलते से

उसके इंतज़ार में

कही वो क़ाफ़िला गुज़रा

तो हमने पलट के देखा

सोचा दो घड़ी निहार लें

वो तो चला ही जाएगा

खेलता, नाचता, खिलखिलाता 

एक बालक की तरह

उड़ता हुआ सा

और दो पल में ग़ायब

और फिर समय रुक सा गया

फिर यादें सन्न सीं

फिर लम्हा बीता सा

फिर तनहाइया पुकारती सीं।

Touchwood

While I thought

I'm compromising 

You've given me the love

That's mesmerising 

While I didn't know 

What is best

When you came to my life

You put all the doubts to rest!

While I thought

You ain't that good

You are the best my love,

Touchwood!!

Choice

There are some feelings you just can't write about. A look at an old pictures and remembrance of other pictures clicked and the memories associated with it. The surprise that your heart feels by thinking about those memories. As if the string of words play with the music of the places visited to sing the song of the memory. The music was beautiful and so were the words. The song didn't turn out to be hit one. It was played over for few years until it was shelved in the records. The records remain for as long as you want to keep them safe. You don't have to put in extra effort to keep them safe. Just put them in a reachable shelf and play them again and again. Sometimes you are tired of the song as it makes you sad. The raga of emotions do that to you. but you are so habitual of the song that you still play it. Unless there is some new record which touches the strings of your brain and heart and then it's up to you which one do you like better. You may still like both the tracks but choose.. One has to make a choice!

Sleepless nights

Those sleepless nights

When you know there is nothing

Which can be solved

When there is everything 

On your mind

Every minuscule 

Unimportant thing

Those sleepless nights

When you are not sleepy

Because you don't see 

The need for sleep

Or your brain to occupied 

Even to sleep

Those sleepless nights

When you wonder

What is wrong with own self

Or what's not wrong

With you!

Some questions

What do you expect me to do

Do you expect me

To take a route 

Whether or not it suits

How do you expect me to be the same

When everything around me is so lame

I don't understand a thing I feel

I don't know with what I deal

Why do you need to prove 

It's not a mountain too difficult to move

It's as easy as flow of river

It's not something that you have to deliver 

What do you need from me

There is nothing that I can guarantee 

My souls wants to fly away too far

It's not meant to survive a war!

जब तू नहीं था......

जब तू नहीं था 

तो भी तो ज़िंदगी 

चलती थी

फिर पता नहीं क्यूँ 

तेरे जाने से 

ज़िंदगी रुक सी गयी 

जब तू नहीं था 

तब भी तो हँसते 

थे फ़ूल

अब ना जाने क्यूँ 

तेरे जाने से 

बाग़ीचा सूना सूना सा है 

जब तू नहीं था

तब भी तो चल रहे थे हम

अब ना जाने क्यूँ

तेरे जाने से 

ये क़दम ठहरे से हैं

जब तू नहीं था 

तब भी तो लिख रहे थे हम

अब तेरे जाने के बाद

इन पंक्तियो में 

दर्द सा क्यूँ हैं?

For me?

Can I ask you something?

Will you ever take an extra mile for me?

If it comes to that?

Will you hesitate to bear something vile for me?

Me

Yes, it is a personal diary

Then why can't it be true

When I pour my emotions before your eyes

Isn't it easier for you to feel it too?

Yes, this writing is ME

This is what I actually feel

I express it using the keyboard

If there is something I am not able to deal

Remit

There was a time

I thought I saw it all

I have bloodied myself

When I hit it against the wall

There was a time

I thought I can't take it anymore

There is an endless pit

Behind this last door

But life challenges you every time 

When you think this is your limit 

There is still boundless cash

That one needs to remit!

Broken!

Its easier to forget

It's easier to close your eyes

It's easier to be the person

It's easy to be too nice

It's easier to postpone the thinking

It's easier to stare the wall

It's easier to let it happen

It's easier to continue to fall

It's tough to accept the truth

It's difficult to accept it will happen

It's impossible to go through it

It's difficult to survive broken!

Absentmindedly

Absentmindedly 

I stare at the end of my braids

While I look at the split ends

And that feeling too fades

Absentmindedly 

I maximise the volume of the music

While I feel the beats on my ear drums

I remain in senses and still loose it

Absentmindedly 

I feel the warmth of the sun

While I decide what is wrong

My skin, I let it burn!

Love..

Love is so strong

To be seen by real eyes

While I feel it thoroughly 

With time it will only rise

Love is a feeling

That you feel inside of you

It can't be anything but love

Only if it's true

Love is the destination 

Of otherwise meaningless world

It is a journey

That can't be explained in words!

Born to please?

While I lie today

These words dance before me

Who am I to myself and the loved ones ?

Who has chained me and who's setting me free?

Before taking a nap

These thoughts made a queue

Am I sitting here watching this

Just because I like the view?

Before a goodnight's sleep

My memories go back to centuries 

In my present incarnation 

Who am I born to please?

Endless wait

Day by day

Hour by hour

That wait when the day starts

Till it's late and dark 

Endlessly and hopefully 

I waited for that call

Even if it's not too long

Even if it's short and.. small

While I needed the support 

the call never came

When will we realize the importance of life?

And stop playing those games!

Independent?

While I thought

I am independent

I don't need anyone's help

When my emotions I need to vent

All my life I have been like this

It made me stronger, made me tough

I thought I am getting better

Didn't know, in the process my emotions I'm gonna cuff

While all this time I thought

I am improving my mental flow

I was getting run over

By my own stupid ego!

Love purgatory

Possibly I am too,

In a place called love purgatory

Where I am stuck

I have moved away from what my earth has been

And I have not yet reached my heaven

Almost impossible to move on

Even when you tell yourself

It's how one should move on

It's not that you haven't done it before

and every time it was so easy to keep the score

If I can move away from it

I will move away from my own self

But I will one day move to my heaven

Then I will be a peace, I reckon!

Half sunk boat

They say

If something is too good

To be true

It isn't real

Let's believe it

To be untrue

Let's say

It wasn't the real you 

Can I believe 

Everything you did was fake?

You did everything 

Not for love's sake?

The words you said

The love you showed

Was nothing but 

A half sunk boat?

A song

While I thought 

I can forget you

Like I forgot 

Everyone else

It is not difficult for me

I am stronger than anyone can be

And you proved me wrong

You ask for proof?

Hah! I am still writing you a song!!

Rainbow

I wanted to change
I wanted to become something
When I lost everything
There are changes I want to bring

I want to be free
From all the shackles
I have made it worse
Fighting life like a battle

I want to let it go
I want to go with the flow
I know I am living a mono-colored life
When it can offer a rainbow!

Turkish songs

Once I asked him

I needed something

He said tell me right away

Let me go and bring

I said I want to listen

To Turkish music 

There are millions available 

And I don't know which ones to pick

He said it's okay

We will find something out

Listen to something else for now

There is another song I wanna tell you about

The next day he came to me

With a folder named Turkish music for J

Said I listened to all songs available all night and chose for you

Wanting to play the songs he asked - "If I may?"

I looked at him with love in my eyes

I couldn't believe just my wish meant this to him 

I listened to all songs as his dedication to me

Don't know if I am loosing to him or he is letting me win!

Paradise

There is a world

We called paradise

What we cannot understand here

We believe we will there become wise

Where we believe 

All our worries will go away

Where there will be brightness

Never a night but always a day

Where we think

We will have all what we want

Or we will like what we have

Just our blessings we'd count 

There is a place

We call heaven 

Where all our goods and bads

Will be made even!

Wiggling thoughts

What i need

What I don't 

What I am running after

What I actually want 

Who I want to believe 

Who I want to trust 

What I cannot have

And what I must 

What is easy to me

And what seems impossible 

My thoughts are stable at one point

But most of the times they wiggle!

My soul mate

There are days

Which won't return 

While I am happy from outside

Inside my heart, there are thousand burns

While you touched

Every chord of my heart

The shards that hurt it

They just fell apart 

While I know it was best

I still do not wait

Even when I die i will know 

You are my soul mate

Role playing

There are things 

That entice me

And make me go crazy

While I pretend to be someone else

Because I find that character powerful 

Slowly I realized who I am

What I stand for

And while in my role playing

I was given a character

I soon realized its not me

It is I who is blind

It is I who cannot see

For the acts, my character should be happy 

I, in my heart, feel sad and just angry!

Sorry?

When we say sorry
What do we mean?
Do we want to finish the matter?
Or realise the same act we shouldn't repeat

When we say sorry
Are we tired of the argument?
Are we aware of our doing?
Are we aware at times, we too have to bend?

When we say sorry
Is it out of respect for the other person?
Or we just it to procrastinate the storm
Without realising things may worsen!!

Need

I feel lost in this world
In the race to win
I still am a part of it
I still put things in my bin

There is concrete
There is wood
This is major part of my world
Where I feel bad at times and at times good

I look around and I see nothing
People sitting everywhere
Looking at their screens
That is what we came for?
That is what we need?

Seeking approvals

We are all seeking approvals 

One way or other

From someone special 

Or the world 

The approval of beauty

Of intelligence 

Of wisdom

Or smartness

We need to feel that false satisfaction 

From someone else's words

For we are not complete from inside

For we have some kind of emptiness

We go to long depths

To prove those criteria

More than what we are

We pretend

We are all seeking approvals 

One way or other!!

Approval

Maybe I wanted an approval

From someone like you 

While I think highly of you

I wanted someone to confirm

That I can be thought of highly too

Maybe that's why I came to you

Felt glad with the acceptance and love

For I had no belief in myself

In the fact that I am capable of giving and having love

And you come and changed many things

And suddenly I realised the approval is missing

Since when I don't know, 

For I had believed in the approval mistakenly

Now I don't what I mean to you

And what you mean to me

Was I right in seeking false approvals?

Were you right in falling for me?

words

Words

Wasted

In conversations that won't lead anywhere

Words

Spent luxuriously

With thinking much

Words

are costly

Coz they involve time as well

Words

Cannot be used in this way

Save them, keep them

मंज़िल

मैं तो खुश था अपनी ज़िंदगी में
कुछ ना चाहा था तुमसे
जी रहे थे जैसे जीना चाहिए
कर रहे थे वो सभी कुछ जो जीने के लिए चाहिए
तुम जब आए
तुम्हारी ज़रूरत ना थी
चल सी रही थी ज़िंदगी
कोई कमी ना थी
फिर सिलसिला शुरू हुआ
उन बातो का
कभी थमती और कभी रुकती सी
मैने क्या चाहा तुमसे
सही है या ग़लत
ये जानू ना
फिर तुमने ही थामा मेरा हाथ
और कहा चलो हूँ मैं तुम्हारे साथ
चलूँगा और रहूँगा हमेशा
और मैं भी चल पड़ी
ना सोचा ना समझा ना पूछा कुछ भी
फिर तुमने ही कहा
तुम कहो अपने दिल की बात मुझसे
खोलो अपने जज़्बात मेरे सामने
और मैने भी कुछ ना सोचा
और अब मैं ना खुद को जानू
ना तुमको
ना अपने जज़्बातो को
ना तुम्हारे
ज़िंदगी एक संघर्ष की तरह बन गयी
जिसका ना कोई अंत है ना कोई मंज़िल|

darling!

Why do you say?

We still have hope

Why do you say?

Don't leave, keep holding this rope!

Why do you say?

When you don't mean it

Once something happens

You get charged the next minute

Why do you say?

We will work on it

You promise thing will be better

You say "I am here for you, darling!"

Average human

And he asked her "why would she say so?" and she had no answer. That was the same thing she was explaining him for quite sometime. The last night's conversation where she had poured her heart out didn't change anything between them. How she had wanted to make things better... She waited, took a deep breath and again calmed herself. She tried to tell herself, this shall pass too. She wanted to believe in things and people, that it will work out. That things will change for better. Alas! how they have remained same... The things that she would say to make things better, she probably said in a wrong way. She lost her temper after 3 days. How she had believed that she has trained her mind not to get affected by these things because these things are silly and temporary and then she again comes at the conclusion "I am just an average human being"!

Indifferent

He gave her the reassurances

Time and again

She waited and listened

Wanting to believe him

She wanted to feel loved

and be happy

She couldn't get through him

He couldn't get through her

She would focus on other things

He would focus on other

and then the time came

when they became

indifferent towards each other!

Mean

I wish to be smarter

And not in the stupid regular stuff

Where I just think about pity things

Where I can't handle ruff

I am just at the lowest stage of evolution 

I know you know it too

When you need to evolve in the process

I am not letting you pull through

I don't even know if I should try to change

Or be what I have never been

Sometimes I just want to change everything about me

Be rude, arrogant and mean!

Eccentricity

I am sorry to disappoint 

I am sorry for not being what you thought

I am sorry for not being up there

I am sorry for not being well wrought

I know you thought of me highly

And now you know I am the same

I know you still love me

Even though all you efforts go to vain

I wish I could be someone better

But I know I am failing miserably 

You are bearing all the things I put you through

And all my eccentricities!

Reactions

How could I say

What I needed

When all the emotions seemed useless

When everything was weeded

How could I express

What it is to be me

When things were named unreal 

With tainted glass they were seen 

How did I feel

With what all happened 

I was just another regular person 

What I say are some regular reactions

Woman

I am a woman

I am not a man

I have a brain of myself

I have my own hands

I am a woman

I need few things from you

They may sound too stupid

They may be too much than few

I am a woman

You want me to be like you

I can only become cold if you wish

But that me, will not be true

Hypocrites crown

Why do I need to love

Why do I need to understand

Why can't I fly anymore

Why do I need the land

Why do I wish to sit

And still need to fly

They say I think too much

Mulling over  what, how and why?

And then comes a time

When I just relax and lie down

I still get the blame

I still get hypocrite's crown!

Wish

Her hair are flowing

In the air

And it smells of roses

Everywhere 

And I wait her to come.

Walking towards me;

In the white dress,

she is wearing 

She asks me the same question 

How do I look?

My answer too remains the same

You are the most beautiful girl on the earth

She turns her head and gives me a smile from the side of her lips

I look at her... That's all I wish!

Realm

When I need to know

What it means to be you

What it means to be false in love

And what it means to be true

When I need to know

What it means to be me

What is there to hide

What is there to see

When I need to know

What it means to be us

What it means to build a castle in love

What it means to be dust

I found you standing there

Shining bright light on those themes

I looked at you in awe

As if you belong to some other realm!

Tests of life

While I thought 

It's meant to be forever 

The more I got to know you

The more staying with you, seemed clever

While I thought 

The love is here to stay

For best things in life

It's going to pave way

While I thought 

We will love till we die together 

It was the love that couldn't survive 

The tests of life and it's harsh weather! 

Anger!

The words are said

and sometimes left unsaid

You worry too much

and hold your tongue

Then ego creeps in

and the poison is spilled over

You talk about everything

Without looking for answers

And love doesn't know what to do

Rationality takes over

You know what is be done

With those words and anger!

Just fudge

When the words cannot describe 

What I need to say

When whatever I say to you

Passes through the water like a ray

When I tell you I need you

You think I am too needy

When I need your love for me

That's the thing for which I am greedy

When I say in sorry for my behaviour

You think I'm holding a grudge

I don't know if one should love for real

Or to be happy and just fudge!

Clarity

I know what I have been to you

Was not what you meant to me

But that doesn't have to be true

Coz that isn't necessary

I feel jealous of anyone

Who still has you

Or of that someone

Who will one day have you

Why can't it be me

Why can't it be us

I know the world is moving fast

At its own pace

And you don't need me to win

This ugly or beatiful race

I know the feelings keep on changing

And so is their intensity

The love may die once and for all

Giving me or taking away all the clarity

Can't be replaced

The things that I find out about you

And things that I don't 

Things that you might know about me

And things that you still.... Don't 

You think you know me well

You think you have seen my love

You think things always come to an end

And I know too, everyone moves on

But there are some broken pieces

Which can't be put together

There are some pains

Which can't be treated

There are some words 

That can't be spoken 

With the same intensity

and there are some people

Who can't be replaced

Things

There are things that remind me of you

Things that I like, things that I don't

There are memories I have with you

Some easy to forget, some just won't

There are parallel worlds that are running

Worlds in which we are together

Worlds where we are flourishing

Where things are good, soil to weather

The heart of yours that I always miss

Your innocent smile that I would love to see

Even today knowing you are not with me anymore

Thinking about it only makes me glee

Remand

You knew me and my love
From the start
Still you chose to believe someone else
Never thought twice to part

Today you blame me
For being to cold
I blame you
For letting me go

You think I didn't wait for you
How can you think
I would have trusted you
You left me alone
In those whirlpools
And still believed me
Using my own fuel

I almost died waiting for you
While you followed someone else's command
I was only a victim
Who wasn't even freed on remand...

I wanted to be...

Coz I wanted to be loved
For more than I deserved
And I was like anyone else
Eat more than I was served

Coz I wanted not to be hated
On mistakes than I had made
For every word that was misunderstood
For every sentence that was laid

Coz I wanted not be judged
On every decision that I had taken
For I wanted to be loved for
Everything that was forsaken!

इक समय की बात है

इक समय की बात है
जैसे तू मेरे साथ था
और चुप रह के भी
करता कोई बात था

जैसे आँखें पढ़ लेती थी
दिल के अरमान सभी
तुझे देखकर पलकें उठातीं
तो झुकाती थीं कभी

तेरे जाने के बाद
जैसे समां थम सा गया
तू गया तो अपने साथ
मेरे सपनों के ले गया

गया तू वहां
जहाँ से लौट ना सके
जैसे वो फल ही तोड़ लिया हो
इससे पहले को वो पके

राज़

जैसे आज मन थम ही नहीं रहा
जाना चाहता है उन गलियों में
उन किताबों के पन्ने पलट रहा है
जब खुशबू है उन सूखी कलियों में

जैसे चल रहा हो उन राहो में
जहाँ का रास्ता वो भूल चुका है
जैसे वक़्त फिर चल पड़ेगा
जहाँ वो कबसे रुका है

उन सूखे दरख्तो को
आस से देखता हूँ मैं आज
जानें कब उनमें फूल खिल उठें
जानें कब ख़ोल दें वो इक नया राज़

You as you do

You can do anything
To be a man
And I am trying everything
Everything that I can

I have loved you
With all my heart
Noone can ever replace you
They can't even reach as close as a yard

You're being something
Becoming something in the world
While I brood here
Ruining my name in the dirt

You choose to be yourself
Keeping all my souvenirs
And drink in those same glasses
Loudly saying 'Cheers'!

You're happy in the world
You created for yourself
And left me behind
In those memories I delve!

Cloud of dust

The sights of the togetherness
And the views seen together
When I see outside the window
All my thoughts begin to gather

The beauty of the rain
The little droplets on the window pane
With wind blowing against them
How they make a chain

With you, everything seem so perfect
You make everything I asked for, as must
But when I try to get hold of you
You disappear like a cloud of dust

Excuse

The way you made me feel
The way I couldn't reciprocate
And I know when I showed my feelings
It already was too late

The way I felt for you
The way you never felt the same
When you say sorry for not loving me enough
Honestly, it sounds too lame

The way I fell too deep
And you suddenly became cold
And all the excuses you gave me
For lifetime I'm not gonna hold..

My last letter to you

My last letter to you
I wrote on some dark night
I knew it wasn't going anywhere
I knew you aren't my knight

My last letter to you
Took all my strength to compose
And while I typed each word
I cried from eyes to nose

My last letter to you
Still makes me wonder if you read
And what went on in your mind reading it
And whether your emotions went from cold to dead!

Door

I like to believe the words
That we said to each other
I like to think it floats in my heart
As light as a feather

I like to believe the love was there
That you felt for me
That it wasn't shallow as others say
It was way too deep

I like to believe we had it all
Everything that one asks for
And the exit was so abrupt
I couldn't see the door!

Colored

The reference of things
Remind me of you
The name of few things
Remind me of you

The way we sat together
In the sand holding hands
The way the light disappeared
Where the sky meets the land

The memory is so strong
Everything else seems so blurred
And when I draw you with the paintbrush
All my memories become coloured..

You say...

You say I never hurt you

But I know I do

I know I have the power

To do what I do

You say it doesn’t matter

But I know it does

The things become tough

When you’re not just I, but us

You say you forget

But I don’t know if that’s true

We argue, we hurt, we brood

Maybe ‘coz we have different views

The daily soaps and women empowerment

Many years back a revolution came in the television industry when Ekta Kapoor started with daily soaps different from what were already shown on television. The serials like Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi and Kahani ghar ghar ki were accepted with open arms and everyone was happy to watch them. The big old Indian families, family problems, the household problems and gossip everything was enjoyed (even if it was exaggerated). But then started the never ending stories, going nowhere. and similar shows followed.
It is almost 15 years that the trend started but it seems its never ending. Such shows started with the idea to make soaps more women oriented, to show that women are capable of change inside as well as outside the houses. Yesterday I happened to watched few shows on television and they are not by the same producer/director. I realised the stories are almost same. I realised what was considered women empowerment 15 years ago is not the same anymore.
The shows in early 2000s showing women given their rightful position and being able to participate in household decisions were considered as good things. As shows were watched and followed women subconsciously decided to get similar treatments and men learnt the benefit of such behavior. but 15 years on, has our world not changed? Do writers have no other stories? Have we not grown? Has our industry not relaised the fact?
If we look at Indian cinema there is considerable difference in the kind of movies that are made. From early 2000s to now, there are multitude of themes on which movies are made different from popular regular ones. Some of them do well, some don't but producers and directors are ready to try in cinemas then why not television? Except 2-3 shows which might be on a move social views most of the soaps still deal with beauty, love, marriage, family politics, saas- bahu issues, issues of widows etc.
The most popular argument given is that this is what society demands. I am not expecting the society to change overnight but as audience we have a right to get more choices in shows that the presented before us. Unless such shows were telecasted no-one knew the market is available and now we need to revolutionize the industry again.
And stop attaching the idea of such serials with women empowerment. Such more than family politics, heavily dressed women and crying over petty issues is not going to empower women and no, we don't enjoy it. None of today's women do. Try and innovate.

Display

Thousand times I have thought

Why I have come to this?

Thousand times I have brooded

Why it has lead to this?

Thousand questions I have asked myself

And not find any answers

Thousand feelings that I tried to control

Have started to flood with tidal surge

Thousand dreams I have

To be shattered everyday

Thousand emotions inside of me

But nothing at all to display!

Miscommunication

When I remain the way I am

When I try to close myself from everything

You blame me for being too cold

You blame for not being into it

When I fight me ego

When I try to be with you

When I am ready to show my love

You run away from me

You close the doors

I cannot reach

And then there are still some limits

I cannot breach

I want to start afresh everyday

Carry love forward and subtract all the ill feelings

But one of us find a way to shun

We are caught in the whirlpools

Of egos, opinions and miscommunication!

Churning

The words that I say

The way I react

Is it me who is doing that?

Or is it someone else?

The way I lose my patience

The way I want to run away

The way I lose trust

The way I believe nothing is gonna last

Is it me who is doing that?

Or is it someone else?

The way I believe I have learnt enough

The way things always bring something or the other

We need to learn and keep learning

It never ends, keep on churning!

Dreams

Dreams are just not a word
They take you to other world
You start thinking of possibilities
Considering your own flexibilities

Dreams do make you happy
When they show you what you want to see
You fly in skies above
This whole world seems to fall in love

And then dreams don't let you sleep
Whether you are happy or in thoughts deep
Those endless thoughts can take you somewhere
Where you're either can be launched or ready for a breakdown!

Ploy!

While you accept me wholeheartedly

I see mistakes

While I am doing what I can

You are doing what it takes

While you appreciate

I find faults

While my train is speeding

Yours is the one that halts

While you love and care

I sit and enjoy

and you do it with all you have

I just take it as a ploy!

Tornado

You close me down for things

I may, may not be responsible for

And I wait and try to enter

When I stand at your door

This hurts and this is bad

I have had my share of pains

Don't gimme that umbrella

When you want to create the rains

Don't turn me into something that I am not

Don't turn me into a person cold

I can be a tornado, I can be a whirlpool

And I assure it's something you won't be able to hold

Dam

The silent conversation
That define us
And the winds cleared those metals
Covered with dust

The star gazing at night
In the middle of nowhere
Without saying anything
I discover you layer by layer

The small pebbles
That surround us tonight
In this darkness all around me
Our feelings are white, so bright

I would be anything tonight
But who I am
Coz the river wants to flow
Captured by this artificial dam!

Too long

The words thy say
To keep me afloat
And the aloofness with which
You share thy words
Makes me strong

The things that come out
The way we surrender ourselves to you
The way you listen
And help us out
Couldn't do us any wrong

The way the time passes
And the sermons flow
And the rapid stillness in thy voice
The way you speak those words
Like it were a song

The silence of stars
Up above in the sky
And the angels looking over us
And life can never be
Long... Too long

The loss

The loss

The great, the deep

The irrecoverable loss

The loss of the companionship

The loss of the love

The doting, the playing

The laughter

The loss of absence of things

That were part of lives

The loss which only time will heal

The loss that leaves you without breath

The ugly loss of death!

Worth it

When I cried and it didn't matter
I know you aren't worth it
In indulgence and indifference you chose latter
I know you aren't worth it

When I waited and you forgot
I know you aren't worth it
When I learnt what life taught
I know you aren't worth it

When I did what I could
When I loved you more than I should
When I changed from what I would
I know you aren't worth it

Deep down

The love that you gave
And everything that I have
Was given to you by me
Thousand things that I could see

And you were there in the toughest times
Holding my hand, being so kind
You listened to me when I cried
Supported me till it dried

I know it burnt you inside
But you held yourself together and tried
I know you're gonna be there, not run
Deep down I know you're the one!

Princess

You play with me
Play with my words
I am nothing but honest
You try to clip wings of a bird

You play with my heart
Your words hurt like darts
My heart is too fragile
Only needed love drizzle

You play with my thoughts
To change me, something you plot
I am too tired of this
Why then, you made me think
I'm your princess!

Tear

You say you care
You say you're there
When it comes to reality
I see your fragility

You say its all fine
You say together we'll climb
But when its actually happening
Alone, I am struggling

You say we'll make it work
You say there are losses and perks
But when we reach there
The only thing I shed is tear

Disguise

For she didn't have the clue
What it meant to her
Things are just some pieces
She never bothered to put together

For she didn't have the clue
The life is bringing this to her
For all the sailing that is needed
She needs to put her guard lower

For she didn't have the clue
The world is different from what she perceived
And everything that was ever understood
Is different from what she received

For she didn't have the clue
Inertia can be too strong
Things can be blessing in disguise
Everything what's new may not be wrong!

Truths

I wish I had the power
To understand what you feel
To accept it as a fact
To accept it as real

I wish I had the power
To believe my own words
When I say it's okay
When I accept you to be part of another world

And I wish I had the power
To know what I should do
To be strong as I pretend to be
And know my innermost truths

Loose

I roam from one room to another
To find my own home
Where ever I find solace
It becomes a no entry zone

I walk from here to there
Hoping for the hope
If I could only find it once
Without delay, I would elope

The doors are numerous
And its difficult to choose
It's like the person without destination
Is been cut loose!

Tab

Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you ask
I would have waited for you
It wouldn't have been a task

I wasn't sure, she said
Didn't want to give you hope
For you to walk in darkness
Nothing to grope

Now she thinks why she didn't
But she knows she couldn't have
Of all the things she was going thru
She couldn't have kept a tab

Run

What gives us direction

Is something we ourselves don't understand

We look at the mirror

Look at that stranger looking back at us

Smiling

Trying to make us comfortable

But I am taken aback

Who is he who looks at me?

Does he smile out of happiness?

Or he is making mockery of my life?

And I stare back at him

No, I am not scared

I may not know you today

But I have known you

Known your ways

Known you weakness

But the gaze is too piercing

And I take my shoes

and run away!

It's you!

You meet me once
And things change forever
I don't think I can handle
Even if I think I am too clever

Your words your smile
Change me from inside
The smile that was lost somewhere
Has gotten too wide

You walked to me
As an angel in blue
I looked at you in awe
Realizing, yes it is you!

Between

You are giving me everything unconditionally

As if you are sent by him to save me

If I had the chance to do something

I'd carry you around and fly with my wings

You're doing everything that seem right

With you the future seems bright

If I could show you what I feel

One by one, insides of me you peel

You say that you are dependent on me

I wonder what does that even mean

There's love and there is acceptance

And everything else is in between!

Grew!

It is a lifetime
That I spend
I need nothing
But you, in the end

You are someone
Who is unique
Everytime you say you love me
You make my heart go weak

Those few moments spent with you
Make me so happy and feel anew
Things that cannot changed, are accepted
But with all that, I only grew!

Colored

The beauty

That I missed

The way you put your hair in the band

The way you look at me

The way your eyes look at me with love

The way you say the words that I need to hear

The way your scratch your nose

When you feel confused

The way you look at the floor

When you are too shy

The way you move your head

When I say those words

I don't know if you like it

In your love, my heart's too colored

Dreams

There are days I dreamt about this
That a day would come to this
A night would come to this
Where I would look through your eyes
and see what I feel

There are days I dreamt about this
Being with you and holding that hand
To be able to sit with you
and to be able to stand

There are days I dreamt about this

You smiling beside me

Looking at me saying my name

As if you again can lit the flame

There are days I dreamt about this

That you are here with me eternally

Whether the bodies will be different

And be one with each other spiritlessly!

Conscious

We all have sides

We all have personalities

We are not same with everyone

Not everyone we try to appease

What I think of you

Maybe its different for others

You know you can be anything with me

Together we try to find those answers

It's not about who is best or worst

It's also who brings out the best in us

I just want to admire you the way I always have

and always be conscious

Fantastic

The times gone by

and the words unsaid

The memories that never vanish

Probably because they are constantly fed

The click of a button

and the time going back

Seeing you there before me

The time looses it's track

The smell of your body

Makes me feel nostalgic

Those days and those times

Are more than fantastic!

Red

The pain in my heart
Doesn't know its limits
It expands and takes the whole area
As if it was made for it to live

The burns that it has seen
That no one else can imagine
It does not know where will it end
Or what was its origin

The words that were left unsaid
That pinch like an arrows bed
Its time that you're dead
Till then your heart just bleeds red

The room

The room was bright
With the sunlight
It had so many windows
That it felt like sleeping
In the open
There was air
And mosquitoes
And no one would dare
To ask her woes
She waited
Holding to the edge of the bed
This will change to better
It's only what she said

Order

He said hold on to me
Don't let me go
You know what they'll do to me
From head to toe

He sat there in his chair
And sweat moved on his cheek
Even the thought of it
Would make him weak

He was tied and burned at places
There was still life in his body in traces
He couldn't know what part of him was dying
Wet on his face, he didn't know of he was crying

He was sent home for reason unknown to him
The light was too bright outside he's used to dim
He was asked to drink and eat from his daughter
He didn't know what to say
He's now used to obey every order!

Pain

The suffering
The pain
As if that's not enough
As if we're already not too miserable
Miserable of knowing each other's misery
Miserable not to act upon it
The endless pain
The sleepless nights
I lament
I cry
I travel but the pain remains
The words that I no longer find sufficient
To express myself
The endless search in the dictionary
To find a word
Which means what I feel
But it ends up same every time
Those four words
That same feeling

Comes Back Around

I am afraid of going back to where I was

It was not just the things that I said

and I can ever say

There are things in my sub-conscious

That scare me

That are my monsters

That I cannot let out

That I cannot do anything about

Things that I cant even interpret

Things that I sometimes regret

I want to run away from all that

and I thought I have

But i still hear those sounds

I guess what goes around

Do comes back around

Away from you

If you need some words

If you create your world

I would take it away from you

If you tell me please

If you ask me to cease

I would take it away from you

If you say this is right

If you say you might

I would take it away from you

If you say you’d vow

If you say this ain’t the low

I would take it away from you

Emptyness

The way life laughs at you

By giving and taking away things

That you need

You want

You expect

You hope for

That longing which is your life

Your reason for living

Is shattered

In just one stone thrown at you

From the distance that you can’t imagine

And you keep looking in the dark

Groping for something to hold on to

But there is nothing

Nothing but emptiness