Just Because..

How I am closed inside?
I cannot move
I cannot say a word
For few days I haven't eaten.
Because my mother hasn't
She has been crying
I can feel it too.
I want to tell her no mother don't cry
But I don't know the reason why,
You are crying
And I have heard words...
Words that I don't quite understand,
But they make me feel unwanted.
I think they are going to kill me.
That's why my mother cries
And I heard what she says,
"How many times are you going to kill a child inside my womb just because she is a girl?"

I wish...

Lost and confused, I didn't know what to tell you. I'm married to someone who doesn't love me which is fine. I don't love you too. We never met before marriage and none of us decided to talk to each other as well.Surprising, yeah!! I was alright with my parent's choice and you.. I don't know what went through your mind when you said yes.
Now that I spent this night with you I realized you are a broken heart, grieving the loss of your beloved who lost her life in an accident. Why I married you, well because I was tired of all the pressures I had on me for marriage. Probably you did it for the same reason. You were kind enough to tell me why you aren't interested in me. Why this marriage will not give me what I must have dreamt of. But I didn't have any dreams as such. I expected things to be regular, to have same things to be happy about and same things to be sad about like other couples but this is challenging. Last night you said "I wish I could tell you how I feel". I sympathize with your loss but no, I don't want to know how you feel, I never want to feel that pain. Instead I want you to feel how I feel. I want you to forget that pain and remember me. I want you to like me as a friend if not love me like a lover. So I say "I wish we could both feel something same which gives both of us happiness"...

Warmth of lost love

find myself covered in the white shawl gifted by you. You knew I like white. I always have. Half of the things gifted by you are white. When I see them I cherish the memories of the time when they were gifted to me. Every single time, it was a surprise a lovely one, a reminder how much you love me and how much you think of me, when we meet after a gap of few weeks. As I walk in these hilly mountains this shawl keeps my body warm and your thoughts keep my heart warm. The departure of a loved one keeps your heart warm and empty at the same time. As the memories make the way out in the form of water from eyes, they also make you cherish them at the same time. As the time passes, you realize that lost love doesn’t make you weak but makes you stronger, that you realize its place, as the time passes. That love makes its place in the deep part of the heart, to give you comfort and solace, a place no one can access, not even you at times. I find myself covered in the white shawl gifted by you. You’re here by not being here and I don’t need you anymore. I have also reached some other place in my memories and love, with the same warmth in a different way.

That someone.

In a relationship you'd hardly find someone who loves you without ego, who'd do anything for you, without thinking. So you want to save yourself from opening up to anyone. You create a wall. You don't want to loose yourself. You want to take as much time as possible to lower all the barriers, or not lower them at all. When he is the right one, after few stupid attempts you don't know what to do but to give up, break the wall and let him enter your world.

You realize how much comfortable it is to make him part of your inner most world. He makes you very happy. For everything he has done, you love him so much in return that he would never regret loving you like that. That's what gives a perfect relationship. Does that exist? Yes it does. Does everyone find it? Sadly, no. Some of us are not that lucky. We have to match ourselves to what is available.

Give yourself fully to someone is stupidity and you continue to live in the world of matched interests, financial standing and castes and assume that they will let you find the one. In all these illusions you live and die until you meet someone, That someone.

Yes I feel the pain

Yes I feel the pain
I feel it moving thru my spine
I feel it running thru my gains
Yes I feel the pain

I know the light is in the room
But I see the darkness at the end of  it
I know all the streetlights were exhumed throughout this lane
Yes I feel the pain

I know the flood
I have seen cities vanish in the storms
I know my fire was exhausted because of rain
Yes I feel the pain

Love and more

I was married straight out of college. When other girls giggled at the sight of boys (I was in girls college), I had my marriage preparations going on. I was 21 married to a man of 40. I had many expectations and so many thoughts about being with someone. Baba told me he is well read and has a stable job and he is not old also. He looked good I agree, much younger to his age. I also agreed. My friends thought of me as crazy. My best friend said "Mala tumi khoob sundar, why are you marrying a guy double your age?" And I told her age is just a number.

He met me before marriage. Told me he was married earlier and his wife died within first year of marriage. It was a love marriage and he didn't want to marry again. Now because of his mothers insistence he is ready to marry me but he wanted to know if I want the same. I had nothing to say. I told him baba has chosen him and I have no reason to protest. 

I was married in a fortnight. He had a good house. Just him and his mother. They treated me well. His house had a lot of books. He was a professor of history and political science. Mostly the conversations we had were related to these areas. I didn't have any particular interests. I liked music and practiced Rabindrasangeet on my own. 

The discussions with him increased my interest in history and I used his library during free hours of afternoon to read and study. After few months on his mothers insistence we had our first child and in few years our second child. Apart from that he never slept in our room. 

Today after 9 years of marriage, I look back. Things have been good. Baba was right. My husband was good to me and provided for everything I can ask for. We have better than decent living and both my children are happy and healthy. 

He never pressurized me for anything. He let me do what I want. He never spoke to me badly, honestly he spoke less with me and he became more distant with time but he is a good father. He helps out children with studies, after all he is a professor. 

But There is something missing. I can't say what. I feel empty. I have tried to increase my circle, made friends, read more, learn new skills, worked few years as well. Nothing really helped me. I have everything still I search for something. The feeling of not being loved, not needed by your partner. I'm old enough to understand it's not what my body needs. It's something deeper that I want from him. I wonder if it's because he's older or he loved someone else that we can't connect. Or because I'm too young and immature to not understand his love. While I have everything that a girl can expect from marriage and still I want that companionship, that love.. that feeling of togetherness. So I ask myself you can't ask for everything, can you?

Unfulfilled

To see you in my dream

Unasked uninvited

Leaves a taste of sadness 

On my lips

Things which had happened with you

Today I'm doing alone

Reminds me of everything 

We have done

And then the dreams

Demands everything unfulfilled 

#TriptoCalcutta